I AM BACK!!
I know it has been a while, I had taken some time of to have some me time! Last time i posted I was residing in Wellington, New Zealand! Now I am all the way in London, England! since I can remember I have had a massive fear of flying! It's a massive anxiety trigger for myself, I put of getting into a plane for 10 years until this year! I flew to Auckland, New Zealand to see one of my best friends who had just had a baby! Then not long after that I found myself in Melbourne, Australia then down in Queenstown, New Zealand! I won't lie I was highly medicated for all of this but I did it! Anyone who knows me would of known how much I hate planes!! I at one point couldn't even go to an airport with out getting myself into a massive state of panic!! I have sat back and let anxiety take over my life several times I have lost friend because of it! I have lost a job because of it! Iv missed out on events because of it! Relationships have been lost because of it! The biggest one for me is I missed out on saying goodbye to my grandad who died 3 years ago because of it!! I woke up up one day a few months back and just looked at my life! I was working in a job only because I couldn't hadle the anxiety and stress that came with my previous job, everyone around me was travelling or having babies and getting engaged. I was still struggling to get dressed each morning and live! Everyone around me was living and I felt like I was barley exsisting!! I am 25 years old I suffer from genreliaed anxiety disorder and I am going to be stuck here in New Zealand for the rest of my life and let the fear consume me! Not long after I kept thinking about these things, I got word my granny back home in England wasn't doing to well she was losing her memory and as sad as it is her memories of me were fading! I hadn't seen her in 13 years I let the fear and anxiety stop me from seeing my grandad and I was not going to let it happen again! I made my mind up and I stuck to it! I was coming to England!! I wanted to cancel my flight every single day! Anxiety had me laying in bed late at night googling every single thing that could go wrong on my flight! Anxiety had me miserable for the weeks before I left! Anxiety was trying to take over my life, but for once I took control and beat it! I went to that airport and sat there and cried and cried to my mum said I wasn't going to go I wanted to just go home to bed!! She pushed me and now I am sat in my room in LONDON with 1 million possibilities under my feet! Ill tell you right now this isn't easy I don't have any friend really I don't know where I'm going half the time! I have anxiety attaks and I get home sick a lot but I beat my fear and I just think about who got me here and I did!! This year has literally taught me about myself. I can do anything! I will be in Scotland for New Years! I am going travelling around Europe in the summer! I'm going to turkey to ride in a hot air ballon while watching the sun set! Iv been accepted into a placement for the 2nd time around after I stuffed it up the first time after being to scared to get on a plane and do it! I will be working for a month at The Fat Duck in London with the famous chef Heston Blumenthal!! Then I will finish it all of in Canada! Iv never done anything on my own before iv always been surrounded by friends, family and boyfriends I just follow there lead! Now I'm following my own! Thank you to all my friends and family that have been nothing but great support over the last few months you really find out who your true friends are! If you suffer from anxiety just remember that you don't have to let the fear consume you! It's taken me a long bloody time to get here but I'm here!! You can do it as well!! Jess x
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I AM BACK!!!
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