Iv titled this blog battle hill! Funny story goes behind this one. It's not only relevant to anxiety as most of us deal with an uphill battle but it also has a great meaning to me and also a wonderful memory. Not long before this maybe 6 months prior I was a gym bunny. Loved staying fit and feeling the rush of working out until my panic attacks increased and became more frequent and I became very scared of working out because of my heart rate elevating and my breathing increasing it made me feel like i was experiencing a panic attack and most of you will understand it's like your suffocating!! Worst feeling in the world :( There is a beautiful walk in the Wellington region Where I am from and it is called Battle hill. I had been dating this guy for maybe just over a month. He is a complete athlete supper fit and out doorsy and then there's me just getting enough motivation to shower and get changed in the mornings. I haven't told this guy about my struggle with anxiety and all the rest I'm hiding it I don't know weather it was to protect me from maybe him running for the hills or to protect him from experiencing something I know he doesn't understand. We arrive at battle hill and let's just clarify I have worked myself up into an absolute state with out him knowing. We start walking I'm still trying to be charming and happy and not let him know im panicing. I then stop and think to myself stuff it Jess this is who you are and if this is someone you want to date he needs to understand you the real you! So I turn and say look I'm scared of climbing this hill because I don't like when my heart races and I can't breath it makes me feel anxious and i think I might cry!! I'm waiting for a response and I'm thinking omg he's going to be like what the HELL this girl is nuts she's going to cry walking up a bloody bush walk because her heart is going to race a little bit!! But to my amazement he turned and said its ok we will take it slow and do as much as you feel like you can and then we will go home!! Well we did do that and i cried because I got scared my heart rate increased I felt anxious and instead of us turning around he put me on his back and carried me all the way to just the before the top! What i learnt that day is you have to trust people and be yourself and own your struggles and talk about them with confidence not shame it's Nothing to be ashamed of at all a day of panicing about that walk turned into one of the best days Iv ever had by just being true and honest! Im going to return to that hill in the next few days and walk all the way to the top by myself and conquer that fear. Be true and kind to yourself! Jess X
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Losing my grandad was defentily one of the lowest moments of my life anxiety wise.
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